I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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