Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
