How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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