I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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