guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
