Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just sent this text using only my big toe
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
