I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
