you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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