i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
