Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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