In America we eat man semen.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
