tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
