Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
