I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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