We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
