U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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