Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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