the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
