My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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