I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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