I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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