my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
