I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
