true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
