it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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