Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
