gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize