Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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