I seem to have left my pride at pride
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
