I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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