hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
