I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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