I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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