So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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