Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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