can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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