If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my sisters under your porch take her home
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
