I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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