My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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