someone get that fucking seahorse.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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