I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
