I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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