Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
