so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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