Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
