I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
