You just made me feel so damn special
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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