I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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