if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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