keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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