Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize