I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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