I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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