He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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