I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
