Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
