Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
