there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize