I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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