If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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