we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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