Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Ketchup is God's man juice
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
