I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize