Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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