I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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