Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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