I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
