i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
