no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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