This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
